Memory.. Little threads that hold life's patches of meaning together. ~ Mark Twain


Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Best Friends

How do you define a "friend"? What do you expect in a friend? Do best friends exist? If they do, how do you know who are your best friends?

When we are kids, best friends are those who share their Barbie dolls, action figures or sweets, braid each other's hair during school assemblies, buy each other cute and colourful erasers, stuffs like that. If we don't like anyone, we will only "bluff bluff friend them".

When we reach the teenage years, best friends are those whom we would giggle with whenever we spot cute guys, "ponteng" classes together and share silly secrets with.

Fast forward to university years, best friends become people whom we trust, whom we share our deepest secrets and fears with, whom we learn to grow with as we slowly step into the adulthood.

As we grow older, best friends are probably our loved ones, or people whom we've shared many years together with, whom we've known practically the entire life.

I myself have had a string of best friends during my childhood days in which all were shortlived either due to distance (like Christine and Ms. Genius) or we just drifted apart (like Gummy and Sha). The next set of best friends I've had was during college.

Wan Nei and Moong Jue Ngan (MJN) were my classmates, we sat together right at the back and became the devils in the class. Our lecturer nicknamed us The Charlie's Angels. I met Cleopatra through Wan Nei. We started off the year with 4 of us. We helped each other out in our projects, to the extent of skipping lectures just to go to Cyberjacks to type out reports or search for infos. We'd hung out whenever possible and attended the Orientation Nite together. The "Star Hill" stall (or we fondly remember it as Bak Kut Teh stall) became our favourite hangout place.

Few months later, MJN had her own clique, and then there was 3. Wherever we go, it was always 3 of us - me, Cleopatra and Wan Nei. Cleopatra was the all-honest and outgoing one. Wan Nei was the one with a flock of admirers. Me? I was the one screaming the top of my head and anything in between them. In a way, we complement each other. We had our set of hair clips (each of us had a different colour) and a porcupine keychain hanging from our bags. We wore overalls (the "mechanic baju") to college together. We skipped lectures to go to the Aerospace arcade.

During Lecturers' Day, we had lunch at a nearby Jap restaurant, bought a bottle of sake and drank it at the college's entrance until Cleopatra and Wan Nei were red all over the face while everyone else were at the lawn celebrating the occasion. I intro-ed Cleopatra to the world of IRC, and we created #heavensgate, we even named the spot below the SAM block's staircase after it. That was where we would lepak besides Bak Kut Teh stall. We'd drag Wan Nei along to meet new friends.

However, somewhere along the way, I think Cleopatra and I neglected Wan Nei, or that we initially thought she was avoiding us. That one morning at a quiet stairway behind the college, 3 of us talked about it. I remember Cleopatra being the one talking most of the time, Wan Nei in tears and I tried to be the peacemaker. I remember hurting inside. We couldn't solve our indifferences and coz it was the Trials then, we left it that way. Indirectly, we had a "trial separation". I had an awful pressure from Mum and her siblings to score for a place in UNSW then. I did my revisions with Bubbles, while Cleopatra with her bf, and Wan Nei at the library.

Finals ended, we attended Prom Night. We barely talked to each other, but we managed to take a picture together. Wan Nei, MJN and I left for PD for our class trip - with a reason to celebrate mine and Wan Nei's birthdays (we share the same birthdate). I remember the night of the celebration, everyone was busy chatting and laughing with each other. Me? I sat alone by the beach, staring at the stars over the dark sky, reminiscing the year that had been. Unknown to the others, I shed some tears then. I've had lost 2 best friends in that one year, I didn't want to lose another.

After the trip, I've had several online chats with Cleopatra. We argued over the net, but we finally resolved the misunderstandings and started mending our friendship - just the two of us. Shortly after that, Cleopatra left for Melbourne, and I left for Sheffield 9 months later. Despite being continents apart for nearly 3 years, we still furiously snail mailed each other, wrote e-mails, have frequent online chats, confided in each other, sent gifts for each other's birthdays or when we went travelling. We'd only meet up once or twice a year when both were back in Malaysia for breaks. We were there for each other in whatever possible way. Other people would discourage the frinedship, yet I'd defend us till the end.

Just when I believed that best friends do exist, it happened.. She landed in hot soup, needed my help and I offered. But our differences got more obvious after that. She needed help the next two times, but I did not help her. I knew that she would repeat it over and over again. I wanted her to realize what was she doing. At the same time, I couldn't offer anymore, I was struggling myself. Things just got worse after that. To me, Cleopatra was going downhill and all I wanted was to knock some sense into her head. To her, I was the nagging one, that I had no life, and that I should "go die". After a few e-mails of lashing out at each other, I received another e-mail from her, stating that "I don't think we're best friends anymore". Childish as it could sound, the words stung. A LOT. 1-2 more e-mails, and that was it. The end of our "best friendship".

Could it be that I didn't help her the next time, that led to the breakdown of the friendship? Could it be that I did not support her in whatever she was doing, knowing that if I did, she would even be worse? I thought I did the best I could. Guess not.. I thought I was someone who would go all out for a friend. Guess not either. I thought that we would all grow old together and laugh about the times we had. If I had not done what I did or if I had been more outgoing and less nagging, would we still remain as great friends now? Did I expect a lot from her friendship? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I don't know anymore..

Sometimes when I think about the times when the 3 of us made a pact to be each other's bridesmaids when one of us gets married, or that we would be each other's children's godmothers.. It feels like a joke now. This friendship really made a big impact in my life. If you have read my previous entry, you'll probably understand why I don't believe in best friends anymore. It's easy to have best friends, but it ain't easy to keep one. Ooohh.. How true is that..

We're still on a Hi-Bye basis, Cleopatra and I, but probably not more than that. I've been remisniscing the past with Wan Nei on MSN lately (Wan Nei, know that you inspired me to write this entry. *smile*). Whereas MJN, I don't know where is she and what is she doing now. The last time I bumped into her was nearly 4 months ago.

Cleopatra, Wan Nei and MJN.. If you happen to read this entry, do know that I miss our friendship. Really. Sometimes I'd wish that we would some day, mend back the friendship. I don't know, time will tell. But thank you for the times we've had, good or bad times. And I'll never forget the song we've dedicated for each other - for the friendship. Do know that you can still count on me no matter what, no matter when.

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today and then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
And then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for.

~~ Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For ~~


Thursday, October 21, 2004

Sunflowerians Reunion

It had been ages since we all last met up, and I meant, all 6 of us - Tai Lou, FRG, Chino, Aneh and Nutty. We finally managed to do that tonight. ;) Nutty flew in from Bintulu for tomorrow's Sheffield gang trip (it's a yearly thing - this time's to Langkawi), and everyone else were from commitments tonight - work, family and the big wedding.

We had dinner at Dome, BSC. I was seated in the center, and when I looked at all 5 of them, I thought of the days we all had together. There I was, looking at a family man (apparently little G still loves the trolley toy we all bought for him on his 1st birthday! *grin*), a groom-to-be, a "taukeh", and the other 2 were paving their ways up the telco lines. Imagine, 4-6 years ago, we were all learning to be independent in a foreign country, yet dependable to each other. *Sighz*

I miss those days. I miss my "heng tais". Over the years, I've had various broken friendships merely due to distance, being taken for granted, or they just didn't work out at all. There was one point in life when I thought I had finally found my true and best friends, but that failed in the end. I'll write about this in a later post. I truly stopped believing in true friends since then, you know. But these people brought back the hope. They made me believe again that true friends do exists, with whom I can truly be myself. And they come in a package of 5 guyz. ;)

So, anyway, the big event's gonna be in less than 3 months time. We are all gonna rope in for this! We all know that Chino's gonna be a wonderful husband and father in the future. He has already done the unevitable by taking care of 5 'monkeys' for 2 whole years! *lol*

We ended the night when FRG gave each of us souvenirs he bought for us during his recent trip to Beijing. It was lovely to meet up with them once again. We would definitely meet up soon for the preparation for the big wedding! :)

And to the guyz going to Langkawi, may you all drink to your heart's content! Please remember not to eat too much before that, especially spaghetti and meatballs. I believe that you all still remember the drinking session in Crescent Flats particularly Flat 22, right? *lol*