Tolkien For Bengs

Found a pretty interesting article by Talking Cock on a "brief" explanation of Lord of the Rings. Pretty funny, especially if you understand Hokkien. Read on!

So the new Lord of the Rings movie is coming out, and you want to impress some Ah Lian you're trying to buaya by being able to explain the whole complicated plot with all the funny sounding names and words. You want to seem like you've actually read all 3 books, but - damn suay - even The New Paper is too 'cheem' for you. Neh'mine! Dun scared! Here is our easy to understand guide to J.R.R. Tolkien's trilogy, written especially in the conversational style of Ah Bengs, so you can memorize :

The Fellowship of the Ring
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Last time got this short-short person with si-beh hairy legs called Bilbo, lor. He, hor, got this ring that last time belong to some monster. But then, hor, one day suay-suay the monster want it back, and send his kah kiah to Bilbo's house to settle, lah.
But the ring, hor, acherly can make people very powderful. But then, hor, if you wear too long will also kena sai. Si beh hiong one, so better faster go and destroy it, lor.
So Bilbo's nephew Frodo... Aiyah, dun ask me why their name all so funny, can or not? You ask me, I ask who?
Anyway, Frodo and some peng yew kena arrow to go and destroy the ring. But donno why also, they must do it in the monster's home, which is at the end of New Zealand there.
So they walk and walk and walk across New Zealand, lah. And then along the way, got monster chase them, got people want to hoot them, some of them dieded, all sorts of thing, lah.
At the end, Frodo and Sam, his pooi-pooi friend who I think so is a bit ah quah, got separated from the rest.

The Two Towers
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Frodo and Sam meet up with this thing called Gollum, who look like he take too much Slim 10 like that.
At the same time, hor, the other friends get into some powderful hooting setting, where, wah lau eh, even the trees can do gongfu one. They all fight over what, I also donno, but quite kan cheong, lah.

The Return of the King
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In the end, Frodo and his peng yew all win leow, lah. Arbuthen?

- This condensed version of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy was brought to you courtesy of the Coxford Singlish Dictionary.